My name is Master P and this is my BDSM Journey. I am fifty years old, born in 1976, and writing this feels less like introducing myself and more like laying something bare.

This is not about my job, my daily routines, or the socially acceptable version of me. That side exists, and I respect it. I have always tried to keep balance in my life and in my relationships. What I want to speak about here is the part of me that has always been present, even when I did not yet have words for it. The part that defines how I love, desire, commit, and choose.

I have never been married. I have no children. Not because I fear commitment. If anything, I crave depth and permanence. I am deeply family oriented. I want to build something lasting, a home, shared memories, a life with a partner and, ideally, children raised with values, ethics, and emotional intelligence. I believe that shaping good humans is one of the few real contributions we can make to society. For that reason, I am drawn to a meaningful age gap of at least ten years. Not as a fantasy, but because it aligns with the structure, responsibility, and future I want to create.

Dominance was never something I chose. It is something I recognised and found in my nature driving me to take this BDSM Journey. Even as a child, I felt the instinct to shape my environment, not through force or tantrums, but through intention and strategy. I was not very successful back then. I was young, inexperienced, and surrounded by powerful personalities, especially my grandfather, who clearly held the role of alpha in our family. Still, the pull was there. Quiet. Persistent.

My sexuality emerged early, but gently. Innocently. Long before I understood desire, I felt it. I remember imagining a future where women would willingly offer themselves to me, where service was given with joy. At the same time, I felt shy, even embarrassed, about my own body. Looking back now, it makes me smile. It was desire before lust. Power before sex.

When I eventually became sexually active, something shifted quickly. What most people would call normal sex stopped being enough. I wanted more, though I could not yet explain what that more meant. I began asking for things that did not match what I heard from friends or saw reflected in everyday conversations. For a long time, I wondered if something was wrong with me.

The first real relief came when I realised I was not alone. Discovering the work of the Marquis de Sade in the 1990s, without the internet and without easy access, felt like stumbling onto a forbidden mirror. Philosophy had always drawn me in, and suddenly I found ideas that echoed what I had never dared to say out loud. Around the same time, by chance, I watched Justine from 1969. That moment mattered. It did not define me, but it reassured me. I was not broken. I was wired differently.

Pornography of that era played its part too. Not as instruction, but as confirmation. It gave me language and helped me understand what drives my libido. It gave me the word BDSM. In my non English speaking environment, the concept was almost non existent. Once again, curiosity pulled me forward. I studied. I read. I learned. The deeper I went, the clearer it became that BDSM was not about sexuality alone. It was about identity, symbolism, structure, and responsibility. A lifestyle. Not something you perform as a scene or a role, but something you live.

At the same time, my vanilla relationships grew increasingly complex. I was consistently drawn to women who were naturally submissive, even if they did not recognise it themselves. Many carried heavy taboos. Some panicked when they understood what I needed. Some tried to fix me. A few were willing to explore, but only cautiously, temporarily, and always with an invisible ceiling.

With most of them, there was affection, laughter, warmth, and real emotional connection. I was often happy. Loved. But something essential remained untouched. My Dominant self stayed hungry. Quiet, but unsatisfied.

It took time and honesty to understand why.

I had to break free from every mental chain that told me who I was supposed to be and what normal was meant to look like. I had to shatter the image I once saw in the mirror and begin again, this time by turning inward, bravely and without fear of what I might find. What I discovered inside myself was not something to deny or destroy, but something to understand, cherish, and shape with intention.

That journey taught me discipline before power, awareness before control. I was a Master, though I identify more deeply as a Dominant, and I learned that true authority begins within. As a Master, I must control, not be controlled by, my urges and desires. I also learned when to allow myself to be guided by my inner soul and when to restrain it, so balance is never lost. Everything in life requires balance, and I still need my simple, silly, very human vanilla moments too.

What I need is not BDSM sometimes. What I need is a D/s dynamic as the foundation of a relationship. Not something switched on for play and off for life, but something woven into everyday existence. A lifestyle is defined by daily choices, habits, and instinct. You cannot pause nature. You cannot negotiate away who you are.

The truth became painfully clear. I am not searching for a woman I merely desire, or one I simply love, or one who shares my taste in music or films. I am searching for a woman who understands this path, or is ready to walk it consciously. A woman who knows that submission is not a role, not a performance, not a trick.

Submission is a gift.
Placed deliberately into a Dominant’s hands.
Given freely.
Held with care.
Protected fiercely.

When it is grounded in love, honesty, and trust, it becomes something rare and powerful. Something that reshapes both partners’ lives.

I have not yet found that woman. I have learned not to compromise where it matters most. Compromising on core needs, values, and identity only delays pain. It never avoids it. I believe many relationships fail because people silence themselves early, hoping love will compensate. Time always exposes the truth. It is no wonder we see so many divorces today.

I refuse to build dreams with someone who cannot truly meet me where I live. That would be unfair to her, dishonest to me, and deeply harmful to us both. Perhaps even more than just us, if children were involved. Why would anyone choose that.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is this. Do not wear masks to be chosen. People fall in love with masks and then reject what is real when it finally emerges. Wait for the person who wants all of you. Your strengths, your shadows, your contradictions. Someone who respects your strengths, loves your flaws, and chooses you fully.

As a lifelong Pink Floyd fan, I will let their words from the Final Cut echo quietly in this page.

“And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you, show you my weak side
What would you do?”

In the end, authenticity is the only real freedom and what we do with it.